POSTPROCTOCEN HETEROCHRONTAG

Experiencing time in the wrong order after a fantastic bowel movement

The humble toilet, and it’s domestic cubical, is well known for its association with time travel. It has a similar effect on time as the dark enchanted forests of Germany or some in the more temperate areas of Africa, allowing time to pass for those inside at a much faster rate than outside, such that what may seem like mear moments, someone is banging on the door asking if you are going to be much longer. Even the most iconic time-traveller on British TV has had his vertical mistaken for a portaloo on occasion. Then there are the experiments with pooh power chronometers and the plasma powered toilet, which I encourage you to investigate yourselves.

The medical condition described here is known to occur when an individual has been in some form of gastrointestinal distress for several days, and often results in the individual seeing parts of their life flashing before their eyes, usually only from the last few days. Patients often suffer from a sense of immediate euphoria, then paranoia, as people will ask them to do things more than once, and in the wrong order. Sometimes times the individual will remember next Tuesday rather than last Tuesday (It has not been established why it is always a Tuesday). The majority of cases demonstrate a certain amount of precognition and prediction of the future, using this time fracture, but as the effect is only active within the confines of a water closet, the best most people can achieve is identifying what to avoid at breakfast for the next week or so, lest you extend your clairvoyance yet again. There have been several cases where people have tried to change the future from the toilets, but the paradoxes they accidentally created have so far been responsible for several minor natural disasters, the invention of porcelain chaps and the creation of a standing army of ninja plumbers and decorators at the magical medical institute as a rapid response crew.

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